Watery

In an ongoing epic chronicling my stupidity, I offer the following tome:
So I'm taking my usual 3:00pm shit. No big deal right. Guy walks into the
bathroom and I go "How do you say there?" Right? Nothing spectacular. So I go to wipe. Now a little backstory. I've had a package of pampers baby wipes in my drawer forever. I always forget to bring them into the shitter with me. Today, on this fateful shit, I did remember to bring them. Back to the present. So I wipe first with the regular toilet paper since I'm taking a Taco-Bell dump. TBD's are usually clear and very viscous unlike say a McDonald's dumper which is hard and gassy. So basically I've got a mess to clean up. I wipe white and everything's hunkydory. I reach for the pampers baby wipe and fold it up real nice. I go downtown and now I'm thinking man this is fucking cold. I keep wiping real clean and I'm thinking damn this is fucking cold and I'd swear it's getting wetter. I take a look at the wad of wipe in my hand and I realize it's become unfolded in the turmoil of being scraped against my glutei. The unfolded, unaccounted for, section had been submerged in the toilet shit water. MOTHERFUCKER, I've been wiping my ass with the god-dammed water my fucking ass-chicken-soup-mix fell into. So I drop the wipe into the toilet in disgust and grab a wad of dry toilet paper. I proceed to thoroughly sterilize my ass with a ton of toilet paper. I'm not pleased with the results so I flush this glob of paper down the toilet which proceeds to clog on me. As usual, but you already know that story. I can't wait to get home and take a shower.