Cause and effect

So here I am, another sunny mid-60's spring day in the greatest state of the union. Working. Hard. I'm dealing with deadlines, audits, reviews, and anything else imaginable. So the morning flew by. I can't wait to get out of here today, it's so nice out. In an attempt to speed up the day I resort to a tool that has proven infallible over the course of my career and adult life, I decide to roll the newspaper under my arm and go take a dump.
This is usually the highlight of my day.
I roll into the john which is approximately 3 inches under water. It seems that a toilet overflowed all night long and flooded the lavatory. Unfazed, I decide to proceed with my plan. I walk up to my usual handicrapper and this is the one that's causing the problem. So I go two over to a smaller foreign stall. I think in the 7 years I've been crapping in this building I've never used this stall before.
So I'm sitting there in this unknown place, the walls...closer, the lights...harsher, the seat....harder. It's like being in a hot church in a thick suit and no matter how many times you tug at your collar you just can't get comfortable (winking at Paul). Everything is familiar and unfamiliar at the same time.
Two gentlemen walk in. They're the repair guys.
I know this because I lean forward to examine shoes. At this point I can recognize any male in the by their shoes and cuffs. As I lean forward a fart slips out of my ass. Now this is where the story turns. I don't know if it was the speed of the fart, the dimensions of the stall, the standing shitwater I'm sitting it but something resonated perfectly with that fart. Perfectly. The only example I can think of is when you blow into a jug. This fart made that exact noise. Like a "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOT". This noise which would never be recognized as a fart alarms the two repair guys. Their conversation goes like this:

#1: What was that? (this is when I lose it and start cracking up)

#2: I think it's the backpressure on the pipes collapsing. The valve must be seized.

#1: Maybe we should turn the water off on the building and try to unseize the valve.

#2: Good idea.
(they exit)
I finish up about 25 minutes later. I go to wash my hands...no water. So I go into the kitchen...no water.
Basically as a result of my fart, maintenance shut the water off on the building.
12:40 quick check....still no water.

1 comment:

Paul Michael Murphy said...

Awesome story. Congrats on your farting prowess.